The Book Of Broadway

In the beginning of time there were four balls of fire and molten flex-seal that floated around in a pure vacuum talking with each other and having conversations. But their conversations were terribly boring. I mean, what would you talk about if you were a molten ball of flex seal in a vacuum? So they decided to create the universe, but they couldn’t stop arguing over where stuff would go and what color the different planets would be. So, to stop their strife, they decided to become one ball of flaming flex-seal, so they would think and act as one, and they gave themselves the name of Gary. They all merged and began creating the universe. They made earth and populated it with animals and people who carried out their bidding. However, one of the former balls, (who by then had become one with the others) whose name had been Arthur, wanted to make a great city on Earth called Kansas City, but to be in the land of Missouri. All the other parts wanted to make a city called Kansas City to be in the land of Kansas, because-duh-it’s Kansas city. So they had a vote, and Arthur was outvoted, and the new city was created in Kansas. And Gary saw that it was good. But Arthur, who was jealous of the new city, built his own Kansas City, in Missouri, and made it bigger and better than the other city, which made it very confusing for people trying to learn geography because the false Kansas city overshadowed the real one. So when the other three parts of Gary found out, they were outraged. “Who was it who created this false city without our permission?” they roared. Arthur said he didn’t know, but this was obviously a lie, so they cast him out. He stormed off and vowed revenge upon the good three parts of Gary and founded a wicked kingdom in the East and he kept his court at Delaware.

So Gary kept creating the universe, and continued to populate it with humans and animals to to carry out his bidding. But the wicked Arthur kept creating his own evil humans and animals to counter these. One day, Gary was feeling especially generous, so he took a little bit of flex-seal from himself and created a prophet named Phil Swift in his image. Phil Swift began spreading this wonderful gift of flex seal, and Gary created daytime-TV to help him accomplish this. One day, Phil Swift had a boat. And he sawed the boat in half. Then, a helpless old man came upon him and begged him to repair the boat. So Phil Swift took some tape he had made of the flex seal and he repaired the boat. Lo! The boat was as good as new. Thus he worked a miracle. Meanwhile, Arthur created the Kansas City Royals and cast them upon his city, where they brought nothing but hardship and lousy seasons to the people of the city. Gary decided to make some new lands other than Kansas and Missouri, so he created Massachusetts and Connecticut. But he came upon a little piece of land that he could find no way to split up between both lands, so he dubbed it “Rhode Island”. And he blessed the new land, and saw that it was good. And he created the Ocean State Job Lot to be the new feature of the new land. Then he drew up all the other states, and created New Jersey from the surplus of New York and Pennsylvania.

Soon the people of the world began to die, and their souls had nowhere to go. So he created a new land, a flat plane that wrapped around itself, thus reaching infinity, and it looked different to everyone. To a realtor, it looked like a endless suburban development with infinite houses for sale, all undervalued. To an introvert, it was a great library, silent and majestic. To an evangel, it was a field of doors that stretched to the horizon, behind each, an eager pamphlet reader. To a hard partier it looked like a bar district, and to a politician it looked like the oval office. He called it “Broadway”. So Gary appointed one soul to head a commission to look into creating an authority to regulate an agency to decide who was admitted to Broadway, for Gary is a very bureaucratic person. About 400 years later, the new agency was up and running, but fortunately Gary had created all time as one, so the agency wasn’t too slow coming. The wicked Arthur also created a place for his wicked people to go, except it wasn’t as fun and could only get 3 bars of internet. Everyone sent to his land, called “Riverview Heights”, was condemned to listen to him tell boring stories for eternity, plus the only food was Chipotle. And Gary lifted his new land up into the heavens, and declared that true believers of the supremacy of the flex-seal would get first dibs on Broadway, but everybody else would definitely get stuck with Riverview Heights. That would suck, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather submit to the flex-seal then eat Chipotle for eternity? I thought so.

Now one day Gary realized that the good people of the earth had no knowledge of his great doings. This made him sad, because he had just installed a pool table and a flatscreen TV in Broadway and it would be a shame if no one was there to enjoy it. So he sent several of his servants to Earth and manifested them as Pangolins. And the Pangolins began to spread joy about the world. And Gary saw that it was good, but the Pangolins could not speak English, nor French, nor Spanish, nor Mandarin, nor Cantonese, nor German, nor Hindi, nor Arabic, nor Portuguese, nor Bengali, nor Russian, nor Japanese, nor Punjabi, nor Italian, nor Greek, nor Pig Latin. Well, you get the idea. So he dispatched little pieces of newspaper along the streets of all major American cities, as well as the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and other outlying US areas and territories, plus in Canada which is basically cold America. These pieces of newspaper read different headlines, spreading the word of Gary throughout all the fair land. But still, the good people of the Earth interpreted the lines wrong. One person read “50% OFF AT JUMBO'S FURNITURE” and took it literally, instead of realizing that Gary was trying to communicate the struggle of mankind against the elements. So he relevated his ideas directly to the first loser he came upon, a guy standing outside a fencing club in a small city in Massachusetts. And thus he relevated his teachings to this guy. And he said “Go forth, and spread the word of my radness.” So the guy, who’s name was Topher, went about preaching his revelations. Two other holy people, Milo and Dina founded the new religion, to be called Garanity or Leonism, for it was founded in the shadow of the great and mighty “LEONE’S” sign.

So the three holy people set out to build a temple, but they had no bricks nor beams nor the necessary carpentry, plumbing and wiring skills needed to construct a fully-functioning religious site. And they were locked out of the fencing club. But Gary raised his divine hand and summoned forth St. Elif of Moe, who raised her blade and parted the iron gates of the fencing club. And all the fencers rejoiced. Soon, many more joined the religion. And Dina was appointed Co-Chair. And Milo was appointed Minister of Indulgences. And Nathan was appointed Hi-Priestess. And Anand was made the Grand Inquisitor. And Eliza was made Bishop of Conversion. And so Christopher, the Most Divine Prophet began writing down the scriptures. But Gary decided to lay down a couple ground rules for the whole earth thing. And so he spoke “OK, guys, we’re going to have to lay down some ground rules for this whole earth thing.”